Phanfiction: Hope
by SarahLiz17
Summary: A story of Dan and Phil's life. It starts with them meeting in high school, but as time goes on, their relationship is tested. Sorry I suck at summaries, but I hope you like it! WARNING: There may be some triggering themes such as suicide, self harm, bullying, eating disorders, and depression. There will also be some occasional swearing and mature themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Welcome to my first fanfic! I will update as much as possible but it might take me a week or so to update once school starts again. I would really appreciate if you could tell me what you thought in the comment section. I'm also open to any tips! Enjoy!**

 **WARNING: THROUGHOUT THE STORY THERE WILL BE MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, BULLYING, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, EATING DISORDERS, AND OTHER THINGS LIKE THAT WHICH MAY BE TRIGGERING. PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED.**

 **Phil's POV**

"Phil come on! You can't be late for your first day!"

I rolled over and groaned. Today I was starting at my new school. My mom kept telling me it was a good opportunity to make friends and recreate myself. But I knew it would all be the same. I would sit alone everyday at lunch with earbuds in. I would be shoved into lockers and called horrible names. Nothing will change.

I slowly got out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and straightened my hair before pulling on a black Green Day sweatshirt, dark skinny jeans, and my gray high tops.

"Good morning sweetheart!" My mom smiled brightly at me. "Do you want some breakfast?"

I shook my head. _I'm already fat enough_ I thought. Before my mom could ask any questions, I grabbed my backpack and walked out the door.

"Have a good day!" she called just as the door slammed behind me.

…..

I glanced up at the huge building as I pulled on my earbuds. I put my hood up and before I lost my courage, I walked though the front doors. The hallways were full of teenagers. I already felt the eyes on me as I walked quickly to my locker. As I was putting in the combination, I realized 3 boys staring at me. I turned and pulled out my earbuds.

"Umm… hi," I stuttered as I gave them a weak smile. Before i knew what was happening one of the boys shoved me into the lockers. I slid to the floor, head buzzing. I glanced up at the blonde boy. He was tall and he had sky blue eyes. Behind him stood 2 brown haired boys, a couple inches shorter than him. They were all very muscular though.

"So you're the new kid… what's your name?" he spat at me.

"Ph-Phil," I squeaked out.

Then one of the brown haired boys spoke. "What are you gonna do with this emo freak Logan?" he said looking at the blonde.

"Shut up Jake. I know what I'm doing."

I glanced at the crowd that had gathered looking for someone, anyone.

 **Dan's POV**

As I walk into school, I see a crowd gathered by the lockers. Uh-oh. It was probably Logan, Jake, and Ryan again. I jogged over and made my way to the front of the crowd. Multiple girls giggled and smiled at me. I didn't have time for them right now. Once I finally got to the center of the circle, I saw Logan and his little gang towering over a boy who was on the floor. He looked kind of out of it, they must have hit him. I couldn't help but notice his striking blue eyes. They were gorgeous. Not to mention his dark black hair that contrasted so much with his pale skin. He somehow pulled it off though. I shook my head trying to get rid of the thought.

 _Where did that come from_ I wondered. I sighed and shouted to Logan,"Leave the kid alone!"

He slowly turned toward me. "Oh, it's Pretty Boy. You think you're such a big shot," he snarled.

Ryan shouted,"Why are you standing up for the wimp anyway? What are you? His boyfriend?"

I felt my jaw clench and before I knew what I was doing I lunged at Ryan. I tackled him to the ground before Logan ripped me away from him. He punched me square in the jaw. I heard a sickening crack as I fell to the floor. My jaw was throbbing as he kicked me in the ribs multiple times. He paused and I prepared myself for another hit. I was too weak to fight back at the moment. But it never came. I glanced up. Logan smirked and slowly walked away. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

2 or 3 of the football players pulled me up. These were the times when I was thankful I was popular. If I wasn't, I'm sure people would be teasing me for getting my ass kicked. I carefully walked over to the boy on the ground. I put my hand out. He gave me a small smile, took it, and slowly stood up. He swayed as he stood up but I caught him, keeping him on his feet. I carefully led him through the crowd toward the nurses' office.

"Please don't take me to the nurse," he said quietly.

"What? Why?"

"Please."

"Well… alright I guess. At least go to the bathroom. I think your head is bleeding."

"Ok," he slightly nodded and I led him away.

When we were safe in the bathroom, I let him lean against the wall as I ran a paper towel under the cold water.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Phil… and yours?"

"Dan."

"Oh… well nice to meet you Dan. And by the way, thank you. For ya know, standing up to Logan and all that. At my old school, none of the popular kids would ever do something like that. They never even talked to me."

"It's no problem, really. I guess I'm not like other popular kids." I gave him a small smile before gently putting the paper towel to the back of his head. He immediately pulled away.

"You really don't have to do this Dan," he said looking up at me with his big blue eyes.

"No, It's alright. I want to help." I said.

"Well… if you're sure," Phil replied. He still seemed a bit hesitant put he didn't pull back this time.

As I cleaned the dry blood out of his hair I thought for a moment.

"Hey… do you want to come sit with me and my friends at lunch today?" I asked. I wasn't sure why I said that, but for some reason I just really wanted to get to know Phil.

"Umm… I really appreciate it Dan, but I don't think I belong with the popular kids."

"Aww come on," I whined. He giggled.

"Ugh, fiiiine," Phi said rolling his eyes.

I smiled just as the bell rang.

"So I'll see you at lunch?" I asked Phil.

"Yep!" he gave me small smile before walking off in the opposite direction.

All throughout the morning, for some reason my mind kept going back to Phil. His cute fringe, his amazing eyes, his pale skin. _Wait, what? Why am I thinking about this? I'm straight! … right?_


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: EATING DISORDER SHOWN IN THIS CHAPTER! IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THIS, PLEASE DO NOT READ!**

 **Phil's POV**

 _Why was Dan being so nice to me? Does he actually want to be my friend? No... he probably just feels bad for me because I got beat up. Could he like me? No of course not. That's stupid. He's not gay like me. Well what if-_

"Phil?"

I glanced up at my English teacher.

"Um... what was the question?" I asked sheepishly. I felt my face turning bright red.

"Phil... please pay attention," the teacher glared at me.

"Yes ma'am. I'm sorry," I said looking down. I glanced over at Dan. He had a small smile on his lips. I took everything in. His gorgeous deep brown eyes, his brown curly hair, his strong arms, his perfect jawline, everything. I felt my face burn an even darker shade of red. This was gonna be a long year.

...

Later at lunch, I was sitting next to Dan at the popular table.

"This is PJ, Charlie, Cat, Evan, Lily, Kate, Justin, Brian, Kayla, Chris, and Mara," Dan said smiling at me.

"Hi. Nice to meet you all," I said. I felt my social anxiety starting to take over. _No. I can't ruin this._

Everyone except for PJ, Chris, and Cat looked at me like I was some exotic animal they've never seen before. I slowly sat down. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the group all give Dan questioning looks. _Great, just great. I already screwed this up. I screw everything up._

Throughout the awkward lunch, I found that I like PJ, Chris, and Cat. Dan and them were the only ones to include me in conversations and I think they could tell I was grateful for that. At the end of lunch Dan pulled Chris, PJ, and I to the side.

"Hey, do you guys want to come over to my house later? My parents are out of town. We can play some video games and get pizza if you want," Dan said.

"Yeah sounds good," Chris said.

"Yeah sure," PJ replied cooly.

 _Should I do this? What if I embarrass myself? And I mean, I just met the guys. Maybe I can just blame it on my mom or something._ I glanced up to see the three of them staring at me expectantly.

"Umm... yeah I guess so." _Wait, what?! Why did I say that?!_

"Awesome!" Dan replied. He had a big grin on his face. I couldn't help but feel a warm glow, knowing I was able to make him smile like that. Maybe this won't be so bad.

...

As the final bell rang, I walked outside to see Dan, Chris, and PJ already waiting for me by a car.

"You ready?" PJ asked.

"Yep," I gave a small smile.

We all piled into the car, with Dan in the driver's seat. It started out awkward, but by the time we got to Dan's house, we were all talking and laughing. I was beyond happy knowing I'd made some friends, even if I had some help from Dan. We spent the afternoon playing video games and just hanging out. It was all going really well. That is, until the pizza arrived. Chris came into the living room holding a steaming box. He set it down on the coffee table and immediately they all piled two slices onto their plates. I just sat there. What do I do? If they found out what I was doing to myself, they'd hate me. They'd think I was crazy and I'd lose the only friends I'd ever had. There was only one thing to do. I grabbed the last two slices and choked them down.

A couple minutes later I said,"Hey Dan? Where's the bathroom?"

He directed me down the hall. I stepped onto the cold tiles. I couldn't bear to look in the mirror. I locked the door behind me and kneeled down in front of the toilet. I felt the tears starting to stream down my face. Before I lost my courage, I shoved two fingers down my throat while putting pressure on my stomach. Everything I'd eaten came rushing out of me.

When I was sure everything was out, I cleaned myself up and flushed the toilet. I walked out of the bathroom and went back to the living room.

Dan looked up at me. "Are you ok Phil? You look a bit paler than usual."

"Yeah I'm fine,"I replied. I tried to put on my most convincing smile. I don't think Dan bought it but he turned back to the game. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back to the game.

A while later I glanced at the clock. "Oh my gosh guys it's 11! I have to get home!"

"Why don't you guys just sleepover? We have some extra pillows and blankets. And you guys could just borrow some of my clothes if you want," Dan replied. We all agreed and around 4 in the morning, Chris fell asleep. We decided we might as well go to sleep too. PJ and I took the floor while Dan took the couch. He wanted one of us to take it, but we both insisted he did.

At around 6 in the morning, I still couldn't fall asleep. I glanced up and saw Dan looking up at the ceiling. After I was staring for a couple seconds, Dad looked down at me.

"Can't sleep?" he whispered. I nodded. He sat up, moved to the right side of the couch, and patted the space next to him. I stood up, carefully stepped over PJ, and plopped down next to him.

"My mind's on over drive right now," I whispered to Dan.

"Same here," he said with a small smile.

We talked for a while about life, or just anything that came to mind really. A while later Dan's eyes started drooping. I could tell he was trying very hard to stay awake.

"Just go to sleep," I whispered in his ear. Within a minute his eyes were closed and he was snoring softly. Before I knew it, my eyes were closing too.

...

I was starting to wake up, but i kept my eyes closed anyways. I faintly heard PJ and Chris quietly giggling. I didn't know what was happening until I felt soft steady breathing on my neck and a hand on my chest. My eyes shot open. I was shocked to see Dan cuddled up to my side. Careful not to wake Dan, I looked over to see PJ and Chris laughing silently in the doorway. I glared at them. They put their hands up innocently before walking back into the kitchen.

I turned back to Dan. No matter how much I wanted to stay here, I knew we still had to go to school. I gently nudged dan. He groaned and cuddled more into my side. All of sudden he shot up with a look of confusion. He looked down at me. We both blushed deep shades of red. He scooted farther away from me and I immediately missed his warmth.

"S-Sorry," he stuttered. He wouldn't even look at me.

"It's okay,"I laughed. I couldn't help it. He looked adorable embarrassed, especially with his messy hair.

He soon joined in laughing. I was glowing. That was until he said,"Hey, do you want some breakfast before we leave?"

My heart sank. "Um... no I'm okay. I don't-um... I don't like eating in the morning," I replied.

He looked skeptical but he shrugged and got up. I quickly got ready. About a half hour later Dan, PJ, Chris and I were walking to school together. I was the happiest I've been in a while. All my worries and insecurities somehow floated away every time I looked at Dan. His laugh was contagious and I wanted desperately for him to be mine. I was in physical pain because all I wanted to do was smash my lips into his. This was all just a fantasy though. That would never happen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Phil's POV (5 months later)**

I stared up at my ceiling as I lie in bed. It was 2 in the morning, but I had no intentions of going to bed anytime soon. In the past 5 months Dan, PJ, Chris, and I have grown a lot closer. I think it's safe to say they're my best friends. We hang out almost everyday after school and we have a sleepover at least once a week. The one problem is my crush on Dan has intensified. I'm not sure if I'm actually in love, or this is just some little crush I'll eventually get over. He has become my everything. My mind is always on him, no matter what. Whether I'm taking a test in school, if I'm in the shower, if I'm walking down the street, even when I'm sleeping, it all leads back to him. Oh the things I would do for him to be mine.

It was now 3 in the morning and I still couldn't fall asleep. The only thing I could think to do was text Dan. He was usually up very late on the internet. I picked up my phone.

P: "Hey Dan"

D: "Hey Phil... why are u up so late?"

P: "Cant sleep"

D: "Oh ok."

P: "So have you thought about college yet? I mean it is our senior year and everything.."

D: "Ya I have. I dont think I want to go to college"

P: "Really?!"

D: "Ya... I think I might just want to do youtube. The only problem is I don't know where Im gonna live"

P: "Ya same here. I definitely want to go to college tho"

D: "Ok Phil... Im gonna say something really crazy..."

P: "Uh oh... what?"

 _What could Dan possibly say_ I thought.

D: "Well I was thinkin... what if we got an apartment together? Like after we graduated. I mean that would be a lot of fun and we could make youtube vids together"

My mind was racing. Dan? Would want to live with me? No... I couldn't do that. Not if I have a crush on him. That would be living hell. But then again it might be a lot of fun at the same time. But unless we got together... no. He doesn't like me like that. I glanced back at my phone and realized I'd been thinking for almost 5 minutes.

D: "Phil? Ya still there? I mean it was just a thought. We dont have to live together if u dont want to..."

P: "Well Im not sure yet. I mean thats a really big thing that I would have to think about"

D: "Oh... so Ill take that as a maybe?"

P: "Ya Ill think about it"

D: "Awesome... I think Im gonna go to bed. Night Phil :)"

P: "Night :)"

I still don't know what I'm going to do about college, but that definitely makes my decision a lot harder.

...

 **Dan's POV**

The next day at school, I walk in to see PJ, Chris, and Phil talking by the lockers.

"Hey guys!"I greet them. They all say hi and continue on with their conversation.

Then, Phil said,"Oh by the way, do you guys want to sleep over at my place tonight? You can even sleep over Saturday night too if you want. My parents are out of town."

"Yeah awesome," Chris answered enthusiastically.

"Definitely," PJ said.

"Sure!" I said. After talking a bit more we all went off our separate ways to class.

...

Later at Phil's house we were all hanging out playing video games like normal. Phil and I were on the couch and PJ and Chris were sitting on the floor in front of us. While Chris and Phil were playing a round of Mario Kart against each other, i kept glancing at Phil. His eyes were an amazing blue and I could stare at them all day. Apparently I had actually been staring because Phil glanced over at me. I blushed and gave him a small smile while looking down. A couple seconds later I looked back at him and he immediately stared right back. But this time we held each others gaze. This caused Phil to crash making Chris win the race. Chris started to celebrate but PJ nudged him and glanced at us. We were still staring at each other like they weren't there. Phil and I were in our own little world.

PJ then stood up abruptly and said,"I"m gonna get a drink. Chris come help me."

"What?" Chris said, but PJ was already pulling him out the door.

Phil and I were alone and still staring at each other. I realized how long it had been and looked down, blushing a deep shade of red. All of a sudden Phil stood up.

"I can't do this anymore!" he shouted.

I stood up. "Phil? What do you-" His lips crashed into mine. I was shocked. Beyond shocked actually. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't think straight.

Phil pulled back. He looked so hurt that it broke my heart knowing I caused that.

"I-I'm so sorry. I thought maybe there was a chance you liked me but I guess not since you didn't kiss back. I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends and I-"he started.

But I cut him off smashing my lips into his. He immediately kissed back and I felt him smile against my mouth. This is what I had been craving. I hadn't known it until this very moment. I hadn't known what was happening until now. I had been falling in love with Phil Lester. I wrapped my arms around his waist and deepened the kiss. He put his arms around neck and ran his fingers through my hair. He gently tugged on it making a moan escape from my lips. This was perfect. In that moment, I knew that this was where I belonged.

"Dan..." Phil whispered against my lips.

"Yes Phil?" I whispered back.

"I do want to live with you. We could live in our own apartment in our own perfect little world," He whispered.

I grinned from ear to ear before he kissed me again. I licked his bottom lip asking for permission and he immediately gave it. We explored each others mouths and everything was perfect. Just as I started kissing his jaw I saw PJ and Chris standing in the doorway. The were both smirking. I pulled back from Phil and glared at them.

"I think I'm gonna go home. Wanna sleep over at my place Chris?" PJ said. He looked at Chris like they had a plan.

"Yeah definitely!" Chris said.

"Bye guys! Have fun!" PJ said. He winked as he pulled Chris out of the room.

"You little fuckers!" I yelled after them. Phil giggled and pulled back.

"So what do you want to do?" Phil said.

"Make out," I smirked at him.

"Dan! We just had our first kiss! Literally 5 minutes ago I wasn't even sure if you liked me!"

"Well now that I know you like me, you're all mine. We have to make up for all that lost time when we were total idiots and just drooled over each other all day," I laughed.

Phil giggled."Dan come on. We have to take it slow."

"Alright," I said pouting.

"Come on, lets watch a movie," Phil said. He took my hand and pulled me over to the couch. He pulled a blanket on over us and cuddled up to my chest. I smiled.

"Phil?" I said.

"Yeah?" He looked up at me with his big blue eyes.

"I love you."

He looked shocked but it soon melted into a smile of pure joy.

"I love you too Dan."


	4. Chapter 4

**WARNING: IN THIS CHAPTER, THERE ARE SOME THEMES THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING SUCH AS ABUSE AND DEATH. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED IN ANY WAY!**

 **Phil's POV**

Around 1 in the morning, Dan and I decided to go to bed. I shuffled to my room with a blanket wrapped around me and Dan walked to the guest bedroom. I lie in bed staring up at the ceiling. I already miss Dan''s warmth and the feeling of his lip's on mine. Maybe his idea of making out wasn't so bad after all. I was pulled out of my thoughts when my stomach growled loudly. _No. I can't give into the temptation. I need to go through with this so I can finally be happy with how I look._

 _..._

I was awoken by Dan frantically shaking my shoulder.

"Phil! Wake up!" Tears were streaming down his face. I quickly sat up.

"Dan! Oh my gosh Dan what's wrong? Are you okay?" I asked frantically. The words came tumbling out. Dan was hysterically crying and shaking. He didn't say anything. He just climbed into my bed next to me and cuddled up to my chest. I wrapped my arms protectively around him.

"Shh... it's alright Dan. I'm here. You're safe." I cradled him in my arms and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

"I want to help you. I really do. I just can't if I don't know what's wrong."

Dan looked up at me with his big brown eyes. But my heart broke in two seeing they didn't have their usually spark. They were red and puffy. I could see the sadness hidden deep within them. I could see his very soul shattering.

"Well... I. Oh Phil I want to tell you I really do. I just don't think I can."

"It's alright. If you want to tell me you can. If you don't want to, that's okay too. Just promise one thing."

"What?" Dan whispered.

"You will come to me if you ever need anything. And Dan I mean anything at all."

More tears streamed down his face. "I will... but umm. Phil? Can I maybe sleep in here tonight?"

"Of course,"I said gently. I layed down and put my arms around Dan's waist. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and continued to cry silently. It wasn't long before I drifted off into a fitful sleep.

...

The next morning, I woke up to find Dan curled up into my side. He was gently snoring, so I carefully got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I stripped down and got into the warm shower. I couldn't help but worry about Dan. What could he have possibly dreamed about that scared him so much? Was something going on at home? Was it something with his family? School? Could it be me? I didn't want to bother Dan too much about because he obviously didn't want to tell me, but for some reason I feel like he dreamt about something important. And I had to protect him. That was my job as his boyfriend... Or friend? Best friend? Well whatever I was to him, I had to help him. I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard a knock on the door.

"Phil? Are you okay? You've just been in there for almost an hour so I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Oh yeah I'm fine. Sorry about that! I'll be out in a minute," I answered. Even though Dan couldn't see me, I felt a blush rise to my cheeks. I quickly turned off the water and stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around my waist. Dan was outside the door waiting for me and his cheeks immediately started burning a bright red.

"Oh umm. G-good morning. Um Phil," he stuttered out. He kept glancing at my bare chest. I gave him a small smile and gently pressed a kiss to his lips. He blushed an even darker shade of red and slipped past me into the bathroom. I smirked and went to get dressed.

...

 **Dan's POV**

Later that day, Phil and I were cuddling on the couch watching a movie.

"Hey Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"I have an idea."

"And this idea is... ?" He looked up at me curiously.

"How about we go on a first official date today?"

He grinned. "Oh my gosh Dan! I would love to!" he said enthusiastically.

I giggled. "Let's go then!" I said standing up grabbing my jacket and phone.

Phil stood up. "Where are we going?"

I thought for a moment. "Oh I know! Just follow me. I promise you'll love it!"

Phil smiled and grabbed my hand. "Lead the way!"

About 15 minutes later Phil and I arrived at the edge of the woods.

"Um... Dan? Where are we exactly?"

I rolled my eyes. "We're not there yet! Be patient!" I pulled him along behind me into the woods. Eventually we came to big clearing. There were hundreds of flowers everywhere, an old fountain, a couple old benches, and an old playground. Phil gasped.

"Oh Dan... this is beautiful! How did you find this place?"

"I used to come here with my-" I stopped and felt tear slip down my cheek.

"Dan! What's wrong?"

"I... umm. Come on. Let's sit down. I think I'm ready to tell you," I said quietly. Phil led me over to the cleanest bench and sat down putting his arm around my shoulders.

"Listen Phil. Well... I guess I'll start from the beginning. My mother and my father met in high school. They started dating, but when they were 17, my mother became pregnant with me. Of course they didn't want a child, but they didn't want to put me up for a adoption. So once I was born, they decided they would stick together and care for me. Everything was going as well as it could of until I was 2. My mother became pregnant again. She gave birth to my little brother. One night when I was 5 and my brother was 3, our parents got into a big argument. I'm not sure what happened, all I know is my mother packed up her stuff and left that night. I haven't seen her since. As for my father, he was heartbroken. That's when he started drinking. When I was 10 and my brother was 8, he started hitting us. It was terrible, but my brother and I stuck together through it. We were best friends. To escape it all, we used to come here. Then one night, when I was 15 and he was 13, he came home at 3 in the morning. Apparently, he had been at a party. My father didn't approve and he beat him. It was the most horrific thing I have ever seen. My father was so mad at my brother, that he... he killed him. Right there in front of me. Obviously the police found out and he was arrested. I was sent to live with my aunt, my uncle, and my cousin. That's where I live now. Phil... that's what I dreamed about last night. I dreamed about my dad killing my brother. It will never leave my mind. It will haunt me for the rest of my life because I simply watched. Phil I could have done something! I could've saved my brother but I was too pathetic and scared to do anything! It's all my fault!"

I sobbed and sobbed into Phil's chest. I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that until Phil finally spoke.

"Dan it is not your fault. Please don't think that. It was not your fault at all." He whispered. I noticed he was crying too.

"Phil... I am so sorry I brought you into this. You don't deserve any of this. You deserve so much more than me."

"Dan stop it! I won't sit here and listen to you talk like that! Dan... I love you! I love you so fucking much... please don't say things like that. Don't blame yourself. You are the most perfect person I have ever met, inside and out. I love you."

"Phil... I love you too. I'm not sure what I did to deserve you, but I am so happy you're mine." Phil wiped a tear from my face and smiled up at me. I cupped his face and slowly leaned in. Our lips gently touched. I savored every moment of it. The warmth of his lips, the flavor of his kiss, and the slowness of it all. We kissed slowly, but that made it mean so much more. It was the most incredible kiss we had ever had.


	5. Chapter 5

**Dan's POV**

After kissing for a couple minutes, I sighed and pulled back from Phil. "This isn't really a good first date. We just cried the whole time," I said sadly. Phil deserved a much better date than this.

"No stop it Dan. This was perfect. I'm glad you told me about your family. That really means a lot to me."

I smiled slightly. "How about we go back to your place? We can have a redo tomorrow."

"Sounds perfect," Phil said. He stood up and grabbed my hand. He led the way back through the woods and we walked hand in hand all the way back to his house.

Later that nightI was lying in bed with Phil cuddled up to my chest.

"Dan?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"Well... what do you think about us? Like are you my, you know... boyfriend?"

"Only if you want me to be."

He smiled and pressed his lips against mine. "Definitely."

...

 **Dan's POV (5 months later)**

Phil slipped his hand into mine. He seemed a bit sweaty. I looked down at him to see he was even paler than usual.

"Hey... hey. Look at me. It's all gonna be alright," I gave him a small smile and straightened his graduation cap.

"Phillip Lester," our principle said into the microphone. I gave his hand one last reassuring squeeze as he stepped up onto the stage. He took the tightly wrapped piece of paper with one hand and shook the principle's hand with the other.

A couple minutes later I heard the principle say, "Daniel Howell."

I took a deep breath and went up to the stage. The stage was hot and the lights were bright. I squinted a bit as my eyes adjusted and took my fake certificate. I shook the principle's hand and continued off the other side of the stage to my friends.

PJ and Chris patted me on the back. "Dan... we finally did it," Phil said breathless. I smiled and pulled him into a kiss. Even after 5 months of dating, I still got that same feeling around Phil. My stomach jumped when he looked at me. I felt warm and beyond happy when he kissed me. He made me complete.

After the ceremony ended, we all went our separate ways. I went over to my aunt, uncle, and cousin. My aunt pulled me into a tight hug.

"Dan we are so, so proud of you," she whispered. I grinned as my uncle patted me on the back.

"That's my boy!" he said. I gently laughed as my cousin gave me a fist bump.

"Nice job dude. I'm honestly not sure how you did it, but you did," He smiled.

"You know what... I actually want you guys to meet someone. Follow me." I led them over to where Phil and his parents stood.

"Hey Phil. I want you to meet my aunt, my uncle, and Jake, my cousin."

"Oh nice to meet you guys!" He shook their hands.

"These are my parents," Phil said motioning to the man and woman beside him. I looked at Phil, not sure if we should tell them we were dating or not. Phil glanced at me immediately knowing what I was thinking. After a moment he gave me a slight nod. I nodded back and turned to our families.

"Umm guys? We actually need to tell you something." They looked at us expectantly.

I slipped my hand into Phil's. "We are... well we umm," I felt my eyes starting to well up and looked at Phil for help. He gently squeezed my hand.

He took a deep breath before saying, "We are a couple." Silence. No one spoke. No one knew what to do.

Finally Phil's mother broke the silence. "As long as you're happy, I'm okay with it." She looked at her husband expectantly.

"Well... I guess that's fine Phil. I mean that doesn't change who you are or the fact that you're my son so it's okay with me."

I felt Phil relax next to me and we all looked over to my family. Jake simply held out a fist. I smiled and fist bumped him back.

Then my uncle spoke. "I-well I really don't know what to think right now. I need some air." As he walked away, my aunt glared at him.

"Boys, don't worry about him. I'll take care of it. And Dan? I'm proud of you," She kissed my forehead and hurried after my uncle.

"Hey maybe we can go out for lunch together! Get to know each other a little better," I said trying to lighten the mood.

After agreeing, Phil's parent's stepped away for a moment to talk. I turned to Phil and looked down. "Hey... " Phil said lifting my chin.

"It's okay. That could have gone so much worse and your aunt will sort everything out. Don't worry about it," He gave me a small smile. I pulled his lips to mine. I heard someone clear their throat. I blushed and pulled back from Phil to see my aunt and uncle.

"Umm Dan... I'm sorry. I'm fine with you two being together, I was just a bit shocked. That's all," He gave me a small smile. I grinned and pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you," I said. After a nice, comfortable lunch with Phil's family, I pulled Phil aside.

"When are we gonna tell them about the apartment? I mean I don't think we should tell them today. They're probably a little overwhelmed with everything right now. But then again we already bought the apartment and are moving in within the next couple of months so I mean-"

"Dan! Dan... You're rambling. Calm down. It's all gonna be okay. I do think they're still getting used to the fact that we're dating, but we should tell them soon. Maybe in a week we can set up a dinner or something. Okay?"

I gave him a gentle smile. He always new how to calm me down. "Okay... thanks," I replied. He took my hand and we all walked home.

 **Author's Note: Sorry about this chapter guys. I'm not too happy with it and everything seems so rushed. It was kind of a short filler and I'm having some trouble getting this story going. I'll figure it out soon though and I'm hoping to have a new chapter up within the next couple of days. Even though my writing kind of sucks, I'm hope you're enjoying the story so far. Also if you guys have any tips or suggestions, please please please leave a review. I would really appreciate it. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Dan's POV (2 days later)**

I picked up my phone to see a text message from Phil.

P: Good morning x

D: Morning xx

P: I know how stressed you are with everything right now between coming out to our families and the apartment and everything... so I was thinking...

D: Ya...

P: How about we go on a date today? Maybe get lunch? See a movie?

D: Yeah definitely! You're the best x

P: I know ;) So I'll pick you up at 11?

D: Works for me! See ya later x

I grinned and quickly got up to get ready. After a nice shower, I had 3 outfits laid out on my bed.

"Jake! Can you come here for a sec?" I called.

"Yeah one sec!" A couple seconds later he came in my room.

"Whatcha need?"

"I don't know what to wear! Which of these do you think Phil would like best?"

Jake looked at me like I was crazy. "Dan. You're gay is really showing right now."

"Come on Jake this is serious!" I whined, but I couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

"Fine. Umm... I think that one," he said pointing to the outfit with a navy blue muse t-shirt and black jeans.

"Okay thanks," I said, but he was already walking out of the door.

...

I heard a honk out front and ran down the stairs. I quickly pressed a small kiss to my aunt's cheek.

"I'm going out with Phil. I'll be back by 4."

"Alright have fun sweetheart! Be safe!" she called after me.

I stepped outside and walked quickly to the passenger side of Phil's car.

"Hey Dan!" he said.

"Hey," I smiled. As I buckled my seatbelt a pressed a kiss to his lips.

"So where do you want to go for lunch?"

"Umm... I don't know," I thought for a moment.

"How about that pizza place by the school?"

I grinned. "Sure!"

Phil pulled out my driveway and started down the street. We sat in comfortable silence until about halfway through the ride, Phil put his hand on my mid-thigh. I blushed and Phil looked over at me.

He smirked when he see my dark red cheeks. "Is this okay?" he said quietly. I gave him a small smile and we continued on with the drive. As Phil parked the car he gave my leg a small squeeze and pulled away to unbuckle his seat belt.

"Ready?"

"Yep," I smiled. We got out of the car and walked hand-in-hand to the front door of the small restaurant. Phil held the door open for me and I was hit by a cold blast of air conditioning. We walked over to small secluded table in the corner. We chatted for a while and ordered our food.

"So..." Phil started. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay..." I looked at him all of sudden extremely aware of how nervous he looked.

"Well Dan. I've been looking at a lot of colleges and before we decided to get an apartment together... well I actually applied to a university in California. It has always been my dream to go there. And well... I got a letter from them about a week ago. I umm... I got in."

I looked up at Phil. "California?! Phil in case you haven't noticed that is very far from our apartment. Like across the ocean! Are you gonna go?"

"Well I mean, it's always been my dream to go there. I know it really messes up our plan, but I promise I'll visit as much as possible," he said quickly. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Phil! You can't go! You can't leave London for some stupid college! You can't just abandon me and everything we have!" I said a bit harsher than I intended.

"Dan... do you know how hard this is for me too? Of course I don't want to leave you, but this a dream of mine!"

"What about YouTube? We can't have a channel together if you're 5,000 miles away!" I shouted.

Phil stood up. "I can't be a YouTuber for the rest of my life Dan! I need something to fall back on! Don't you get it? I need to do this!"

I stood up too. At this point we were both crying and we had definitely attracted a lot of attention. "Phil I can't believe you! You're just gonna leave me to live alone?"

"Dan I- you know what I'm not doing this. Out of all people, I thought I could count on you to support me... but I guess not," Phil turned and ran out of the restaurant. I felt my heart rip in two. My soul shattered. Every fiber in my body seemed to have shut down. I let out a horrible sob and fell to my knees. It had all been so perfect, but I ruined it. The one thing in my life that kept me going every day, had left me.

...

 **Phil's POV:**

I ran outside to my car. I knew I was a terrible person to leave Dan like that, but I just couldn't bear to look at him any longer. I was sobbing as I started my car. I pulled out of the parking lot and started my drive home. My mind was on over drive. How could Dan act like that? I knew he would be upset, but I thought he would still support me. I guess I was wrong about him. I felt another sob rack through my body as I turned onto a side street. It all happened so fast. I felt the whole car jolt to the side. I heard glass shattering and the air bags were in my face. The car turned and flipped over again and again. The car finally came to a stop upside down. I felt warm blood on my face. My whole body burned and I slowly felt myself slip away from reality. Everything went black.

 **Dan's POV**

I quickly composed myself and stood up realizing how many people were staring at me. I left some money on the table for our drinks and stepped outside. _Wait what? Where was Phil's car?_ I quickly scanned the road and spotted his small white car. I ran onto the side walk and saw Phil sobbing in the front seat. He put on his turn signal but he didn't look behind him. It seemed like the whole world froze as he turned. I big gray truck slammed into Phil's car. The airbags were deployed and both cars flipped over and over. As the cars finally came to a stop. I sprinted to Phil. As I reached the car I saw him and froze. His limbs were in the wrong places and his eyes were closed. And the blood. Oh that was the worst part. There was so much of it.

"Phil!" I screamed. I didn't know what to do. I kneeled down next to him.

"Phil come on. Please. I can't lose you," I cried. I jumped as a felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see an older looking lady.

"Sweetheart... it's gonna be alright. I called an ambulance," she said gently. I nodded. This was all my fault. If I hadn't blown up at Phil, this wouldn't be happening. He deserved so much more than me. I was a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.

Before I knew it I heard sirens and the ambulance pulled up next to the wreckage. Multiple paramedics jumped out and came running over to Phil. A second ambulance came for the man and woman in the other car. The ambulance driver came over to me and offered me her hand. I took it and she helped me stand up. She gave me a gentle smile.

"Hi. You can call me Amy. I'm the ambulance driver. What's your name?"

"Dan," I said quietly.

"Nice to meet you Dan. Can you tell me how you're related to the driver?"

"He's my boyfriend."

"Okay. Do you have any idea what happened? Do you know if he was intoxicated? Any information you have will help."

I glanced over at the paramedics. The door was stuck and the were trying to pry it open. I felt a few more tears slip down my cheeks as I turned back to Amy.

"Well... we were in the pizza shop together and we kinda had a fight. He ran out of the restaurant so I ran after him. I saw him driving his car away. He was crying and I guess he wasn't paying attention when he turned. The truck hit him as he was turning onto the side street," I told her.

"Okay... thank you Dan. I understand this is hard for you. How about we go wait in the ambulance?" she suggested. I knew she was just trying to be helpful, but I couldn't help but be annoyed at how happy she was. Either way I nodded and followed her over to the ambulance. I got into the passenger side and looked over to see if they had gotten Phil out of the car yet. What I saw would be engraved in my mind forever. The paramedics pulled Phil's limp body and of the car and set him down on the stretcher. He was laying in an inhumane way and he had a very deep gash in his forehead. I felt a sob escape my body. I couldn't help it. They strapped Phil onto the stretcher and quickly rolled him over to the ambulance. They pulled open the back doors and they all jumped in. The minute the door was closed, Amy starting driving toward the hospital. The drive was only about 5 minutes, but it felt like hours. My stomach churned over and over with worry. What if Phil didn't survive? I wouldn't be able to live with that guilt and no matter of cheesy it sounds, I wouldn't be able to live without him.

We finally pulled up to the hospital and the paramedics worked quickly. As they rolled his stretcher toward the door I caught a glance of him. He was connected to many wires and he was a sickly shade of white. I jumped out of the ambulance and ran up to Phil's side. They pushed him down a couple of hallways before they got to a big set of double doors. I felt someone pull me back. I turned to see a nurse.

"Sir! You can't go down there!"

"No I have to be with Phil!" I ripped myself from her grasp and started running toward Phil. I needed to be there for him. But before I knew 2 security guards grabbed hold of me. I cried and cried. I fought against them and tried to get loose.

"No! Please! Please..." I cried. I knew it was no use and stopped fighting. I collapsed to my knees, but the security guards quickly pulled me back to my feet.

"Sir I'm sorry. We can't let you be back there while they're testing. You can wait in the waiting room though if you'd like," one of them said. I slightly nodded and let them lead me back to where we came in. They sat me down in a chair and walked away. I sat for hours waiting. Just waiting... not knowing if Phil was alive or not.


	7. Chapter 7

**Dan's POV**

I glanced up at the clock, the only thing on the plain white walls. 8:26 PM. I groaned. I've been in this stupid waiting room for about 8 hours just waiting. For all I know Phil could be dead. I put my head in my hands, trying to drown out the horrible cries of other people in the waiting room.

"Umm excuse me sir? Are you Dan Howell?"

My head shot up to see the nurse from earlier. I stood. "Yes I am. Is Phil alright? Can I see him?"

"Yes you can. They're done with the testing now and he's all bandaged up. Follow me," she said with a small smile.

I followed along behind here for a couple minutes. I was starting to lose track of how many hallways we went down when she finally stopped in front of a door. 24a. I put my hand on the door handle and took a deep breath. Before I could let my brain make up any other terrible scenarios, I pushed open the door and stepped into the room. I froze. Phil was lying in the bed with his eyes closed. He had a big white bandage wrapped around the top of his head. There was some reddish brown blood starting to leak through the gauze covering his forehead. He had many blue and purple bruises all over his body and stitched up cuts. His right leg was in a white hard cast.

I slowly walked over to the chair at the side of his bed. I sat down as the nurse shut the door. I slipped my hand into Phil's.

"Phil..." I whispered. "I am so so sorry. This is all my fault and you don't deserve this. I should be the one in the hospital bed right now. I know I should have supported you and if you really want to go to that college, it's okay. I hope you know that I truly fucked up and I hope you can forgive me one day for this. Because I need you. I know I'm being cheesy, but it's true," I finished. I let the tears flow down my cheeks.

"Do you really mean that?" a quiet raspy voice said. I jumped and looked up at Phil. His eyes were still closed but he has a slight smile on his lips.

"I do Phil. Every last word." He gave my hand the ever so slightest squeeze. I smiled and pressed the button to call the nurse. Less than a minute later she came rushing in.

"What's wrong?" she asked frantically, walking over to Phil's side.

"He's awake," I said smiling.

"Oh that's wonderful. Phil sweetheart? How are you feeling?" she said relaxing.

"Alright. I'm a bit dizzy. My head and leg hurt though. Could I have some water too?" he said.

"Of course. I'll be right back. I can also give you some pain meds, just give me moment," she said rushing out of the room. Phil and I sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before the nurse returned. I gently helped Phil sit up and she handed him the cup of water. He gave her a grateful smile and drank the whole thing in one sip.

"Ah thank you," Phil said clearing his throat. The nurse put what I guessed was the pain meds into Phil's IV.

"Okay Phil. Now I need to change your bandage. It might hurt a bit. And Dan is it?" she said glancing at me.

"Yes."

"I'm warning you now, you might want to leave the room. A lot of people get sick or faint when they see big cuts like this."

"No it's alright. I'll stay here." She nodded and began carefully unwrapping the bandage on Phil's head. I have a pretty high tolerance for blood, cuts, and gory things like that, but when I saw the gash in his forehead, I felt my dinner starting to rise. I held it down though and held onto Phil's hand. He winced multiple times as the nurse cleaned it and rewrapped it. It reminded me of the first time we met when I cleaned Phil's cut. That felt like forever ago but I still felt a warm smile spread across my face.

When she was done she said,"The doctor will be in to see you soon. Until then you might want to get some rest."

Phil nodded and we both thanked her as she left the room.

"Phil I am so sorry about everything. I can't say it enough and I understand if you don't want to date me anymore or you want to sell the apartment. I'm not sure why I blew up, but I am so sorry," I said quietly.

"Dan... I'm gonna be honest. I am still a bit mad at you. But I probably should have talked to you before making my decision. I committed to living with you, to help pay the bills, to keep working on our YouTube channel. But I threw that all away," he said.

"No Phil. This wasn't your fault at all. I'm just a shitty person and I only thought about myself. I didn't think about you or the future or money. I was just thinking about being away from you, and I don't know."

"It's okay Dan. You made a mistake, but you're only human."

I gave him a small smile but a really didn't know what else to say. _Pathetic. He doesn't love you anymore. You fucked everything up. He was the only thing that made you happy and now look-_

My thoughts were cut off when I felt Phil's lips gently touch mine. I smiled against his lips and leaned in closer.

"A-hem." I pulled back from Phil and turned to see the doctor. I blushed and looked down at my hands.

"Don't worry about it guys. My name is Dr. Gray," he said smiling. After we each shook his hand he sat down on the other side of Phil's bed and looked at his clipboard.

"So Phil, tell me. Were you drinking before the crash?"

"No."

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Yes."

"Do tell."

Phil took a deep breath and started,"Well before the crash, Dan and I... well we had a fight. I left the restaurant crying and I got into my car. I turned out of the parking lot and I was trying to get my thoughts sorted out. I went to turn onto a side street, but I guess I wasn't paying enough attention. As I turned, a car from the left lane hit me."

"Alright thank you Phil. Now your car landed upside down. In the process of your car flipping over, your leg got caught in the wreckage. It is fractured in two spots and you shattered your knee cap. You have to stay in the cast for 4 weeks. You may not put any weight on it either. We will set up an appointment at the end of the 4 weeks and we will most likely give you a brace. No weight for another 4 weeks and we will set up another appointment and go from there. Now as for your forehead, we had to give you 21 stitches. There are sterri-strips over it with gauze and a wrap. You will have to change it all out once a day. Make sure to clean the cut as best you can with alcohol. You also have a minor concussion and some bruised ribs. You will have some pain but they will heal on their own. You need to stay in the hospital for the next two days since we still have some testing to do. We just want to make sure you don't have any other head or brain damage. Phil... you are very lucky. Not just the fact you survived, but that you got out with minor injuries. It's truly incredible. You should be very thankful."

Phil gave the doctor a small smile. "Thank you for everything. I really do appreciate it."

"Of course," Dr. Gray said standing up. He shook both of our hands. "I'll leave you two alone now. But one more thing. Are you gonna sleep in here tonight Dan?"

I felt a blush creep up to my cheeks. "Umm yeah probably."

"Alright," he smiled. "I'll tell the nurse to set up a cot for you." With that he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. I turned to Phil.

"Well that's not too bad. Could definitely be a lot worse," I said.

Phil's eyes were wide and he looked like he was about to cry.

"Phil? Are you okay?"

"I... Dan. I could have died. I actually could've died," he whispered.

"Oh Phil," I pulled him into a hug. He sobbed into my shoulder for almost an hour.

...

 **Phil's POV**

 __ _Boom! The car flipped over and over. I felt my leg crush and the windshield smashed. There was blood everywhere and I felt my self dying. Dan! Dan help me!_

"Phil! Wake up!"

I opened my eyes and looked up to see Dan, his eyes full of worry. A sob racked my body and Dan pulled me close to his chest.

"Don't worry Phil. You're safe now. It's all over," he whispered into my ear. I wanted to believe him but my thoughts kept going back to the crash. The glass, my head spinning, blood, burning pain... blackness. Dan crawled into the hospital bed next to me, moving around all of the wires I was attached to. He wrapped his arms protectively around my waist and I snuggled into him. I heard him start to softly snore, but I just couldn't fall asleep. My mind was racing. The crash... the crash. I could have died.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Sorry this chapter is kinda short but I hope you like it anyway. :)**

 **Phil's POV (2 Days Later)**

Using my crutches, I carefully made my way down the hallway. Dan was right next to me ready to catch me in case my clumsiness got the best of me. We finally reached the front doors and Dan held them open for me. I gave him a grateful smile and stepped outside, relieved to be out in the fresh air. Dan put our stuff in the trunk of the rental car and help open the passenger door for me. I started toward it, but all of a sudden froze. I couldn't move, I couldn't think straight.

"No," I said.

"Uh what?" Dan looked at me confused.

"I am not getting in that car," I said. I was terrified. I just couldn't bring myself to get in the car. _It will be fine. You're over reacting. You crashed one time. Once! No... I can't do that. I could've died. I can't risk it. Come on Phil you're being stupid just get in the damn car. No Phil! Don't do it. It's too dangerous._ I felt my breathing quicken. I started sweating and memories from the crash flooded my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get them to leave. My vision became blurry and I starting swaying. I almost fell, but a pair of strong arms pulled me back up.

"Phil! What's going on? You gotta talk to me. Just take a deep breath," Dan said.

I tried. Oh how I tried to just breath. I felt tears slipped down my cheeks. What's happening to me? Dan held me in his arms.

"It's okay Phil. You're completely safe." I knew I was but it was like my brain was separate from me. I knew I was safe, but my brain didn't. Dan led me back inside the hospital and helped me sit down in one of the chair. He squatted down in front of me.

"Phil shhh. You're okay. Just try and breathe," he said soothingly. He grabbed my hands and gently rubbed circles on the tops with his thumbs. After a couple minutes, I was finally able to get my breathing back to normal.

"Wha-what was that Dan? Is there something wrong with me?" I whispered.

"Phil... I think you had a panic attack. You're scared to crash again aren't you?"

I nodded slightly and Dan looked at me with worry. He gently pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"You have to trust me Phil. Crashes are so rare and I will drive 5 miles per hour if that's what makes you happy. I would _never_ let anything hurt you," he said. I nodded. I have to do this. I have no other choice. Dan helped me stand up and we walked out the front door. He helped me into the car and pressed a kiss to my lips before closing the door. He walked around to the other side and got into the driver's seat. He started the car and I whimpered. He took my hand in his and I took a deep breath.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered. I closed my eyes. I couldn't look out the window, I had to stay calm. I pictured Dan and I lying in bed together. I didn't have any cuts or bruises and I was cuddled up to Dan. He kissed me again and again. Everything was perfect in the world. No mean people, no rude comments, no waking up early, no deaths... no car crashes. Dan held my hand through the whole car ride. I could tell he was driving a lot slower than usual, but the car ride seemed really long.

Once I felt the car finally come to a stop and shut off, I opened my eyes. _What? Where are we?_ I looked out the window at the tall apartment building. _Wait... this is our apartment!_

"Are you okay?" he asked looking at me nervously.

"Yeah... I think so. But Dan... why are we here? Don't you want to go home?" I said.

"No it's okay. I figured we could use some private time... you know, not in a hospital. Is that okay with you? I mean I can take you home if you want," he said quickly.

I gave him a soft smile. "No it's okay."

He returned the smile and got out of the car. He came around to my side of the car to help me. Once I was out of the car, I immediately breathed a sigh of relief. Dan and I made our way through the front lobby and up the elevator. Before I knew it, we were on floor 7, room 742. Dan grinned at me turning the lock.

"What?" I asked suspicious.

"Well Phil... you know how I was gone for a couple hours yesterday and I told you I had a family thing?"

"Yeah..."

"Well... I knew I was gonna take you to the apartment today, and I wanted to make it feel a little more like home." He opened the front door and I gasped.

"Oh Dan this is amazing!"

"You really think so?" he smiled. I nodded enthusiastically.

The front door opened to the living room. The walls were navy blue and the couch was black, with all different colored pillows. There was a modern black bookshelf in the corner, a matching coffee table, and a big TV with a rack of games next to it. A white carpet covered the floor and their were all sorts of pictures on the walls. I moved on to the kitchen. There were new tiles and it had been painted a light tan color. The cabinets matched everything perfectly.

"Dan how in the world did you do this?"

"Well I talked to the landlord to make sure all my ideas were okay, then once he agreed I called up Chris, PJ, Jake, and a building company. I payed some extra money for the professionals to stay the whole day because I wanted to be able to surprise you," he said blushing. I grinned and pulled him into a hug.

"You're the best boyfriend ever," I whispered.


	9. Chapter 9

**Phil's POV**

I made my way over to the couch and patted the space next to me. Dan walked over and settled down, leaning into my side. I switched on the TV and we stayed like that late into the night.

"Dan?" I whispered.

"Mhmm?"

"We really should tell our families about the apartment soon."

"I know. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Yeah that should be good." Dan looked up at me and gently cupped my cheek.

"Don't worry. It's gonna be alright," he said. I gave him a small smile and he pressed a kiss to my lips.

...

Dan, our families, and I sat in the living room at my house.

"Umm excuse me everyone?" I said shakily. Everyone quieted down and looked at me. Dan grabbed my hand and we both stood up.

"We have something we need to tell you guys," Dan said. I could tell he was just as nervous as me.

I took a deep breath and said,"Dan and I... we bought an apartment. It's about 10 minutes from here, in Manchester. We plan to move in within the month." Dan's aunt jumped up startling everyone.

She came over to me and Dan and gave us big hugs. "That's amazing! Even though I'm gonna miss you around the house Dan, I'm still very proud of you both," she grinned. Dan lightly squeezed my hand and returned the grin to my aunt. Then his uncle got up and patted Dan on the back.

"Good job Dan. I know I was a little hesitant about all of this at first, but I'm glad you're happy and you found someone like Phil." Dan had a huge smile on his face and I blushed.

"Thank you," I said. All of a sudden my father stood up and stormed out of the room. All happiness I had felt completely left my body as I heard the bedroom door slam. Silence. Everyone just stood in shock.

After a few moments, I shakily turned. "Mom?" I said, my voice cracking. She stood up and left the room. I finally let the tears spill over and Dan pulled me into a big hug.

"We should give them some privacy," I heard Jake say. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dan's family quietly walk to the kitchen, all casting us worried glances.

I buried my face into Dan's neck and he somehow pulled me even closer. He rubbed small circles on my back and whispered,"It's gonna be alright Phil. Your Dad will come to his senses."

I knew Dan too well, so I could sense the worry in his voice. Dan held me for a couple more minutes until I heard footsteps in the hallway. I pulled back, but Dan slipped his arm around my waist. My mother walked in dragging my father behind her.

"Why do you want to move away?" My father said, no emotion showing on his face.

"Well... I think I'm ready to start my life as an adult. I can't live with you guys forever and I think this is the right choice for me. And... I love Dan. I want to start my life with him." My parents looked at me in shock.

"You want to start your life with _him_?" my father said motioning to Dan. I felt him tense up next to me.

"Yes I do," I said, starting to get defensive.

"Phil... may I speak to you alone?" my father sighed. I glanced over at Dan and he nodded his head. Giving my hand one last squeeze he walked out of the room toward the kitchen, my mom following close behind.

"Listen Phil... I didn't say anything before because I didn't know how serious you were about Dan. You should really think about it some more before actually deciding if you want to live with him. I mean that's a huge thing, and I honestly don't think that's the right thing for you to do," my dad said.

"Dad... please be honest with me. Do you like Dan?"

"Well son that's a difficult question. There are a lot-"

"Answer the question! Yes or no?"

"I-" he sighed. "No I don't."

I stood there looking at him in shock. _How could he not like Dan?_

"Dad! Dan is amazing. He's funny and kind... and he just makes so happy. I know we have something special. He's respectful and he's always there for me and-"

"Oh really? He's always there for you? Phil open your eyes! You were in the hospital because of him!" my dad shouted.

"That wasn't his fault! He's human dad! Everyone makes mistakes, but it was my fault for getting in the car! Don't blame him!" I shouted back.

"You know what Phil? Do whatever you want. If you want to move away just to get your heart broken, fine. Just don't come crawling back to me!" He walked out of the room and I heard the front door slam. A sob escaped my lips as everyone else slowly came back into the room. Once Dan saw me, he ran over and pulled me into him.

"Dan! Oh Dan... He said that-that he doesn't like you and he thinks the crash is your fault. I tried- I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. Dan I'm so sorry," I cried.

"Phil shh. Don't say sorry it's not your fault," he whispered into my hair. I heard him sniffle and I pulled back. I was shocked to see tears on his face but then it hit me. My dad didn't like him. I'm standing here crying when I didn't realize this must be harder for him than me. I wiped one of his tears away with my thumb and he pulled me back into him. He helped lead me over to the couch and I sat down next to my mom. She pulled me into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry Phil. I tried to talk to him, but I didn't know he would do that," she said.

"You said you already bought the apartment, right?" Dan's aunt said.

"Yeah... why?" Dan said.

"How about I drive you boys over there. You can have some more privacy." Dan and I both nodded. My mom placed a kiss on my forehead before Dan helped me get up.

...

The second we got outside and I saw the car, I felt myself have starting to have a panic attack. It happens every time I have to get in a car. Dan glanced over at me.

"Phil... come on. It's okay," He said. I really hated car rides now, but there's no other choice. Especially with my crutches. I reluctantly got into the backseat with Dan and buried my face in his chest. He held me the whole car ride. Once the car stopped, I got out as fast as possible.

"Boys?" Dan's aunt said. We turned to look at her.

"Do you think I could come in? I won't be long, I just want to see the apartment."

"Of course," Dan smiled. We made our way upstairs until we finally reached the door. Dan unlocked it and we headed inside.

"Oh it looks amazing!" Dan's aunt exclaimed.

"Thanks... it was a lot of work, but it definitely payed off." Dan replied. After a couple more minutes, Dan hugged his aunt goodbye and she left the apartment.

Dan and I both plopped down on the couch.

"So... what do you-" Dan started. I cut him off. I smashed my lips into Dan's and he immediately kissed back. Our lips moved rhythmically together as I put my arms around his waist and pulled him closer. He put his arms around my neck and licked my bottom lip. I quickly opened my mouth and he pulled me even closer, running a hand through my hair. I moaned and felt him smile against my mouth. A couple minutes later, Dan pulled back, both of us panting. I grinned and he pulled me up, leading me to the kitchen.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course you want to eat!" I laughed. Dan went to the fridge.

"You want frozen pizza for dinner?" he said.

"I'm not hungry," I stated simply.

"Come on Phil! You haven't eaten all day!"

"Ugh fine," I said. _I'll just throw it up later._ I had been doing that a lot lately.

As Dan Pulled the box out of the freezer, he tripped and and dropped it with a loud bang.

"Oh fuck me!" he said loudly. I smirked and got up.

"That was not an invitation!" I took a step closer.

"I mean it Phil... leave me alone." I took another step toward him and got in his face, only centimeters away. I gave a low hum and smirked. His cheeks turned bright red and he looked flustered. I put my hand under his chin and leaned in.

We were so close together that our lips were grazing each other. Right before I leaned in, I whispered,"We can just order Chinese." I stepped back and giggled at his shocked expression.


	10. Chapter 10

**WARNING: TRIGGERING THEMES IN THIS CHAPTER SUCH AS SELF HARM, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, AND EATING DISORDER! PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED IN ANY WAY!**

 **Phil's POV (3 days later)**

I heard multiple knocks on my bedroom door and I groaned.

"What Dan?" I said.

"Phil come on. You've been in your room all day. Don't you want to come out? Eat something?"

"No go away! I'm just sick!" I lied quickly. The truth was, my appetite was gone and I had starting losing interest in everything. Things I'd loved, video games, movies, YouTube... they just didn't jump out at me the way they used to. And to be honest, I was scared. I couldn't help but think people would judge me and I had started noticing how dangerous the world was. The car crash really opened my eyes.

"Oh Phil, why didn't you say something? Do you want anything?" he said.

"No I'm fine. "

After a few moments he said,"Alright Phil. I'm here if you need me." I heard him walk away from my room. _You really fucked up Phil. He's your boyfriend. He deserves so much more than you... you pathetic waste of space._ I hated that voice, but I knew it was right. I looked over at my desk. _Would that really help?_

 _No Phil you shouldn't._

 _I need to._

 _Stop it!_

 _Come on Phil. Just give in. You'll feel so much better._

I slowly stood up, ignoring the bickering in my head. Using my crutches, I walked over to my desk and picked up a pair of scissors. I started gently crying as I rolled up my sleeve, wondering why it had come to this. I didn't want it, but I needed it. I swiftly moved the blade across my wrist. I felt my skin tear open as warm blood, trickled from the cut. I should've felt pain, but all I could think of was the relief. I cut again and again. _4, 5, 6, 7..._ I was numb to the pain but I still had to bite my lip to keep back a sob.

Once I was done, I wiped up the blood, rolled down my sleeve, and layed back down. I was left alone to my thoughts, but that was scarier than anything I could even imagine going on outside the safety of my room.

...

 **Dan's POV**

I was worried sick about Phil. He locked himself in his room and he's been in there the past two days. Was he really that sick? I knew something was off, but I just couldn't figure it out. I figured I would try talking to him again. It's been almost an hour, so hopefully he's ready to talk.

I headed down the hall to his room and I gently knocked.

"Phil? Are you okay?" I said.

"I'm fine," he said quickly.

"No come on Phil. Please eat something. When was the last time you ate?"

"It doesn't matter... I'm fine."

"Phil answer the question. Was the last thing you ate Chinese 3 days ago?" I said. No. It couldn't have been that long. He wouldn't do that... would he?

Silence.

"Phil... please. You're not gonna get better unless you eat," I said quietly. After waiting a few moments for an answer which never came, I slowly walked back to the living room. _I need to help him. But how?_

About an hour later, I heard a door creek open and I jumped up. Phil slowly made his way into the room. He looked pale and tired.

"Phil! Are you feeling better? Do you want something to eat? I can cook you something if you want," I said quickly.

"No no I'm okay. I just felt bad for not answering you," he stuttered. That's when I realized... he looked absolutely terrified.

"Umm are you sure you're okay?" I said.

"Yeah... yeah. You're just not mad. Right?"

"No of course not!"

"Okay... I-I just wanted to make sure," he said. He started to turn around, but I stopped him.

"Phil wait! Please eat something. You'll feel so much better,"

"No I'm really not hungry."

"Oh come on," I said. I nudged him and led him into the kitchen. I really felt bad forcing him to eat, but he had to. He sat down at the table and quickly started making chicken noodle soup. Once it was done, I separated it into two bowls and carefully brought it over to the table. He looked down at it and I could clearly see the disgust on his face.

"Phil..." I said softly. "I know you don't want to eat, but it will help. I promise."

He slowly started eating and I gave him a soft smile.

...

 **Phil's POV**

Dan's watching... I have no choice. I choked down the soup as best I could. Everything was worse. I felt empty and lonely even though Dan was right across from me. I felt scared of everything, the world, other people... me. All of a sudden felt another urge to cut. _Just wait until you get back to your room. Not too long now._

"I think I had enough. Thank you Dan," I said getting up.

"It's no problem Phil... do you want anything else?"

I felt so guilty lying to him, but he couldn't know why I was staying in my room. He would be ashamed, to have this pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. A boyfriend who's scared of everything, depressed, cutting, throwing up his food, and suicidal.

"No I'm alright. I'm just gonna use the bathroom and then head back to my room," I said. He looked hesitant.

"Well... okay I guess." I made my way to the bathroom as quickly as possible. I had to get this food out of me as soon as possible. I closed the door behind me and kneeled down as best I could with my cast in front of the toilet. I stuck two fingers down my throat and put pressure on my stomach, like I had done many times before. I let it all out, but within a couple seconds the door swung open. Luckily, I had already taken my fingers out of my mouth. Dan kneeled down next to me and lightly rubbed small circles on my back.

"Shhh... it's alright Phil. Let it all out," He said soothingly. The guilt just made me throw up more. Once I was done, I sighed and leaned back against Dan's chest. He combed my hair out of my face and pressed a light kiss to my sweaty forehead. He flushed the toilet and wiped up my face. Once he was done, he carefully lifted me up and carried me bridal style to my bedroom. He put me down on the bed and put a small garbage can next to me.

"Do you want anything else Phil?" he said. _I want my scissors._ I couldn't say that though so I slightly shook my head.

"Alright. I'll be in the living room if you need me. If you want anything, just shout," He said giving me another quick kiss on my forehead. I gave him a small smile as he left the room. After waiting a couple minutes to make sure I was in the clear, I quietly got up and grabbed my scissors. I cut again and again all up both of my arms. Oh how I wanted to cut deeper. Just let it all be over. I felt myself sway a bit, so I forced myself to put down the scissors. Luckily, I got back to my bed before my legs gave out. I sighed. _I have to be done cutting for today. I have to let the cuts heal._ About an hour later, I felt myself drift off to sleep. The only place I was safe.


	11. Chapter 11

**WARNING: CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, AND EATING DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED!**

 **Dan's POV (The next day)**

I knocked on Phil's door. "Hey Phil? Are you awake yet?"

"Yeah," he answered. He sounded exhausted.

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay I guess."

"How about you come out? You don't have to eat, but maybe a change of scenery will help. We could watch a movie or something," I offered. I knew he was sick, but I still missed him.

"Umm no thanks."

"Oh come on. Pleeeaaassseee?"

He sighed. "Dan I don't want to get you sick."

"Don't worry about me. Come on... I'll play you something on the piano?" I didn't like to sing in front of Phil a lot, but I knew he loved it. And I was willing to do anything to get him out of his room.

After a moment, the door slowly opened. "I guess so," Phil said with a small smile. I grinned and led him to my room. He sat down on the bench in front of my keyboard and I propped his crutches up against the wall. Then, I took a seat next to him.

"What do you want me to play?" I asked.

"Hmm," he thought for a moment. "Oh Can't Help Falling in Love!" I grinned. That was his favorite song, so I learned to play it just for him. I started the song, my fingers moving swiftly across the keys.

 _Wise men say, only fools rush in_

 _But I can't help falling in love with you_

 _Shall I stay?_

 _Would it be a sin_

 _If I can't help falling in love with you_

 _Like a river flows, surely to the sea_

 _Darling so it goes_

 _Some things are meant to be_

 _Take my hand, take my whole life too_

 _For I can't help falling in love with you_

 _Like a river flows, surely to the sea_

 _Darling so it goes_

 _Some things are meant to be_

 _Take my hand, take my whole life too_

 _For I can't help falling in love with you_

 _For I can't help falling in love with you_

OnceI finished, I turned to see Phil. His face full of amazement and an amazing spark in his eye that I hadn't seen in a very long time. I grinned.

"Dan... that was incredible," he said breathlessly.

"Thanks," I said blushing. I pressed a small kiss to his cheek.

"You've played that song so many times for me, yet each time, it just takes my breath away."

"I'm glad."

"Can you play some more?" Phil asked.

I hesitated for a second, but how could I say no. I nodded and grinned at the look of excitement on Phil's face. We sat at the piano for hours. I finally had to stop because my voice was dry and hoarse and my fingers were numb.

"Dan... thank you so much. I know you usually don't like playing in front of other people, so this means a lot to me."

"Of course. Anything to make you happy."

 **Phil's POV (Three weeks later)**

I slowly peeled my eyes open to see a bright ray of sunlight streaming through my window and I groaned. I sat up and my head immediately started pounding, so I layed back down into the warmth and safety of my blankets. I had been staying in my room for the past three weeks. I only left the apartment yesterday to get my cast off. But other than that, I stayed locked in my room. Each hour that ticks by, the cutting gets worse. The urge gets stronger, the relief feels better, my fears become worse. I have come to fear everything beyond our apartment. The fear takes over my body, forcing me to stay in bed all day. I want to tell Dan all of this, but he would be ashamed. Ashamed to have a boyfriend afraid of the outside world. Ashamed of a boyfriend who cuts. Ashamed of a boyfriend who is too fucked up to even leave his room. I really did feel bad for him. I had been shutting him out and he deserved so much better.

There was a knock on the door and it opened slightly. Dan peeked in and his face brightened once he saw me.

"Morning Phil!" he said walking into the room. Lately, all I've wanted to do was sit in my room alone, but today was different. I reached out and grabbed Dan's hand, pulling him down onto the bed next to me.

He giggled and layed down facing me. I buried my face into his neck. After a couple minutes, he pulled back and gently pressed his lips to mine. Quickly, the kiss deepened and he licked my bottom lip. No matter how many times we made out, Dan always made sure I was comfortable. I smiled against his lips and opened my mouth. Our tongues fought for a couple minutes before Dan pulled away from my mouth and started kissing my jaw. Slowly, he left a trail of kisses down my neck to my collar bone. He gently sucked on my neck. Shocked, a moan escaped my lips. He grinned looking proud, while continuing to gently suck on my neck.

"Dan," I breathed. He pulled back to reveal a small, dark purple circle on my neck. He brought his lips back up to mine as I fumbled with the bottom of his t-shirt. He pulled away for a slit second, only long enough for me to get the t-shirt over his head. He ran his fingers through my hair, gently tugging on strands. He started pulling up my sweatshirt and too caught up in the moment to notice what was happening, I let him. I had made the biggest mistake of my life. He pulled the sweatshirt up and over my head. That's when he saw them. The deep gashes, running all up both of my arms. The bruises covering my stomach. He gasped and immediately let out a sob.

"Ph-Phil. Why? Why didn't you come to me? Why would you do this to yourself?" he said quietly. A terrible sob racked through my body and Dan pulled me into his chest. He held me as if he would never let anything hurt me ever again.

"Dan! Oh Dan I am so so sorry. I was selfish and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would be ashamed of me and I'm just a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend and I am so so sorry," I cried.

Dan pulled away. "Phil! Don't say that! You were in no way shape or form being selfish and I would _never_ be ashamed of you. Please please don't call yourself pathetic because you're the complete opposite. You are perfect in every way," he shouted. I let out another sob and buried my face into his chest again.

Dan took a deep breath and whispered,"Oh Phil..."

We cried into each others arms for what seemed like hours, before I finally pulled back, wiping my eyes.

"You haven't been sick all this time. Well... you have, but a different kind of sick," Dan said. I nodded my head.

"You've been laying in your room depressed and cutting. You forced yourself to throw up your food... didn't you?" I looked down at my hands in shame and slightly nodded my head.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked quietly.

"Well I've had trouble eating since my junior year in high school. I starting occasionally throwing it up, but everything got so much worse after the car accident. And Dan? There's one other reason I've been staying in my room."

"And what's that?" Dan asked.

I took a deep breath. "I'm scared."

"What? What do you mean you're scared? Scared of what?"

"That's the problem. I don't know what I'm scared of. I think I'm just kind of afraid of everything. Ever since the car accident, I guess I just realized how dangerous everything is and almost dying... I don't know," I said feeling more tears slip down my cheeks.

Dan pulled me into another tight hug. "I'll keep you safe Phil. There's nothing to be afraid of." I pulled back and smiled at him. The first genuine smile I'd had in a while. I layed down, pulling Dan down with me. I moved closer to him and gently rested my forehead on his. We layed there for a while, just taking everything in. All of sudden, I sneezed breaking through the dead silence. Dan jumped so badly that he fell off the side of the bed. Despite everything going on, I laughed. I tried to cover my mouth to hold it back, but it was no use. I rolled around on the bed hysterically laughing, as Dan glared daggers at me, still on the floor.


	12. Chapter 12

**Dan's POV**

A little while later we finally got out of bed. "Phil... listen. We are gonna get through this together, okay? I know it's gonna be hard, but we have to try. I'm sure you would rather let me help you than go to the hospital or some mental institution. You just have to go in with an open mind. Everything will get better, I promise. And I will always be here for you. I'll be there every step of the way and you can _always_ , and I mean _always_ come to me for absolutely anything. You promise you'll come to me next time?"

He nodded his head and said, "Thank you Dan. I really want to try and get better. I promise I'll try my best, but I can't promise it will always be enough."

"But that's okay Phil. That happens to everyone. We're human. As long as you are truly trying, it's okay," I smiled. He nodded and pulled me in for a hug.

"Come on. We'll start simple. Let's play some video games."

"Oh my god Dan... where do our subscribers think we are?" Phil asked.

"Well I mean I've been tweeting a lot, trying to explain as much as I can."

"Wait did you tell them that I..." he started with a worried look on his face.

"I told them about the accident and that you were focusing on getting better. I made one or two videos for my channel, but everyone seems pretty okay with us being gone. I mean of course they really want a video, but we have gotten a lot of support. They seem to be more worried about your health than a video which is amazing," I said. Phil took a breath of relief.

"Good. I love our subscribers... I really do. But we should definitely make a video soon. They deserve it," He replied.

"Yeah but we don't have to do it today. Whenever you're ready. They've already waited a month, so I think they can wait a little longer. We should just focus on getting you better for now," I smiled.

"Yeah you're right." Phil and I continued to the living room.

"So what game do-" I started. But I was interrupted by my phone ringing.

"Oh Phil! It's my aunt. This might take a while," I said nervously.

"Oh don't worry about it. I'll just wait on the couch. Maybe watch some TV." I nodded and gave him a grateful smile, picking up the phone. After about a half hour of talking to my aunt, I'll admit, I did want to hang up. I couldn't do that to her though. Then, Phil came into the room. He looked like he was out of patience. I gave him an apologetic look. He came over behind me and starting kissing my neck. I bit my lip to hold back a gasp. Phil lightly kissed his way up my jaw before lightly sucking on my neck. A moan escaped my lips and my aunt went silent.

"Umm haha s-sorry about that," I said a blush rising to my cheeks. I couldn't think straight and I kept stuttering as Phil continued to kiss my neck.

A couple moments later my aunt said,"You know what Dan? Go enjoy yourself. I'll call you in a couple days."

"Uh-umm yeah. I'll t-talk to you later," I stuttered out.

"Bye sweetheart," she said. I could practically hear her smirking as I hung up.

"Phil!" I shouted turning around. He giggled.

"What? I was getting bored!"he said. I rolled my eyes, but I still let out a small laugh.

"Come on you twat. Let's just play a game," I said walking towards the living room.

...

A couple hours later, Phil said," Hey Dan? I don't want to be rude, but I think I've had enough for today. I just need some alone time. Baby steps... right?"

"Right," I said. "You go ahead... but Phil? Please please promise you won't cut or anything like that? If you want to, please just come to me."

He hesitated for a moment," I-I'll try. I just don't want to promise anything."

I didn't like his answer, but I knew he was trying so I let it go. I gave him a small nod and a smile as he made his way down the hall. I sighed. _How could I have not noticed him cutting before? Or how have a not noticed his eating problem? He's had since before I even met him! Am I really that oblivious?_ This was all to much for me so I decided to lay down on the couch. I felt myself slowly start to drift off to sleep, my mind still on Phil.

...

 **Phil's POV**

I layed down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I knew Dan cared about me, but something still felt off. I mean Dan loves me, or at least I'm pretty sure, and he might be a bit sad if I died... but he would get over it pretty quickly right? He would find some other nice guy and he would just forget about me. I didn't mean that much to him. Right? No... I'm a pathetic waste of space. He probably only acts the way he does because he feels bad for me. Maybe for the sake of the YouTube channel he's still living with me. That's gotta be it. What if I just ended it all now? Would the phandom be upset? Would my parents be upset? No... they wouldn't care. Or would they? It was that tiny bit of wonder, that tiny bit of hope and uncertainty keeping me alive. Of course I didn't want to live this life anymore, but what if that tiny little bit of hope was right? What if everyone did miss me? What if it was a really big deal I died? My head started to hurt thinking about it all, so I closed my eyes. And after a few minutes, I felt myself drift off into a dreamless sleep.

... (The next morning)

I opened my eyes and peeked at the clock. 9:36 AM. I sighed and got out of bed. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, grabbed my crutches, and made my way to the kitchen, where I heard the banging of pots and pans. When I walked in the kitchen, I saw Dan standing over a pan of sizzling bacon. He was singing too. I listened for a moment and realized it was Can't Help Falling in Love. I smiled and leaned against the door frame, listening and watching him cook. A few moments later, he turned around and jumped.

"Oh Phil! How long have you been standing there?" he asked, a blush rising in his cheeks.

"Not long," I replied. I made my way over to him and pressed a small kiss to his lips.

"Morning," I said quietly.

"And good morning to you too," he smirked. I stepped back and took a seat at the table. Once Dan finished cooking, he set two plates down and took a seat on my left.

"So Phil... I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay..." I said slowly, nodding my head for him to go on.

"Well... tonight there's going to be this big fancy party at a hotel about 20 minutes from here. It's for a bunch of YouTubers and we were invited. Now of course we don't have to go if you don't want to. We can do whatever you want it's just a thought. I mean it might be fun because PJ, Chris, and Kat are gonna be there, but whatever you decide is fine," he said. I thought for a moment. Was I really ready for something like that? It might be good for me, to see some my friends. But then again... that's a really long car ride. I'm not sure I would make it through to be honest.

"You know what? Why not. I hope it will help me a bit to see some friends, but can you promise me one thing?"

"And what's that?"

"If I need to leave, you'll help me. I know that seems so selfish but I could really use the support," I said blushing.

"Of course Phil. Don't feel selfish at all," Dan gave me an encouraging smile. I nodded and gave him a small smile.

...

Later that night, I was putting on my navy suit and tie when there was a knock on my door.

"Come in," I called. Dan came in wearing a black suit, tie in hand.

"Wow you look amazing Phil," he said pecking my cheek.

"Thanks. So do you."

He smiled but it soon turned to a blush. "Umm Phil? Do you think you could maybe help me with my tie?"

I smiled, "Of course." He handed me the tie and I put it around his neck. I quickly tied it and once I was done, he gave me a grateful smile.

"Thank you Phil," he said.

"Of course." As he was about to leave the room, he turned around and grabbed my tie. I was shocked at first, but he pulled me into him and kissed me. I smiled and melted into the kiss. A few moments later he pulled away and smiled. Without a word, he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. I smiled to myself and went to the mirror. I put on my glasses and fixed my quiff. I then sat down on my bed and put on my black dress shoes. Once I was done getting ready, I grabbed my crutches and made my way to the living room. Once I got there, Dan was already there, leaning against the wall on his phone.

"Nice hobbit hair," I commented.

He looked up and grinned. "Thanks... you ready to go?"

"Yep," I said and we walked out the door. My heart was beating out of my chest as I reluctantly got in the car.

"Hey... hey Phil look at me," Dan said lifting my chin to look at him.

"It's gonna be alright. Okay? I'll drive slow and I'll be with you all the way through. Just close your eyes and imaging yourself somewhere nice and peaceful... okay?" I gave him a small nod and he grabbed my sweaty hand. I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks as the car started, but the feeling of Dan's hand in mine calmed me down a bit. I closed my eyes and leaned all the way back on the headrest. All throughout the drive, I took deep, calming breaths. Finally the car came to a stop and I heard Dan unbuckle his seatbelt. I forced myself to open my eyes. I gasped. Outside a beautiful hotel towered above us. Each room had a balcony full of bright colorful flowers, and the walls were reflective. It shined in the starlight.

"Ready?" Dan asked.

I took a deep breath and nodded. He gave my hand a light squeeze, before we separated and stepped out of the car. There were famous YouTubers everywhere. Markiplier, PewDiePie, FazeRug, all of the big names that basically created YouTube. Did Dan and I really belong here?


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: Sorry this chapter is a bit short, but I still hope you enjoy it. Especially you pervs reading ;) I don't go into detail, but certain events occur. I feel dirty after writing this... like I kinda need a shower. I guess this note was kinda like a warning too. But anyway, it would mean a lot to me if you guys could check out my one-shot called Phanfiction: Thunder. I hope you like the story so far!**

 **Phil's POV**

Dan slipped his arm around my waist and we made our way to the front door. After waiting on line for a couple minutes, we finally made it to the front, where two strong looking men in black suits were standing. One was holding a clipboard and a pen.

"Names?" he asked in a deep voice.

"Dan Howell and Phil Lester," Dan said. The man made a mark on his clipboard while the other one pulled away the red velvet rope and help the door open for us. We both thanked the men and stepped inside. We followed the trail of people until we reached a huge ballroom. The floors were a gorgeous marble tile, there were waiters walking around with trays of champagne, and there was a small orchestra playing music in the front.

"Wow," Dan said breathless.

"I didn't know it was gonna be this fancy," I said to Dan.

"Me either," he said looking around. We decided to venture our way into the crowd to find Chris, PJ, or Kat. Finally after several minutes of searching, we saw Chris and PJ talking to each other and Kat talking to a different group of people.

"I'm gonna go say hi to Kat. Wanna come?" Dan said.

"I'm think I'm gonna go over to Chris and Peej," I answered.

"Alright," he said. He pressed a small kiss to my cheek and we went our opposite ways.

"Hey Phil! There you are! How's your leg man?" PJ asked glancing down at my brace and crutches.

"It's okay. Definitely getting better," I said smiling. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my friends.

"That's good. I've really missed you man. I'm glad you're up and running again," Chris said.

"Well I'm not really running, but I know what you mean," I said with a small laugh. They returned the laugh and before I knew it, we were talking and laughing just like old times. A waiter came around with glasses up champagne. I was hesitant at first, but hey why not. I took a sip and continued laughing along with my friends. Eventually, I saw Dan and Kat walking over, glasses in hand. When they reached us, we all said our hellos and Dan stood next to me.

Then, in the middle of a conversation, Dan leaned over and whispered in my ear,"If there weren't so many people around I would let you bang me so hard right now cause you look so fucking hot tonight." I choked on my sip of drink and Dan stepped back smirking. I had to cough multiple times to clear my throat. Once I could finally breathe right, I looked over at Dan with a shocked expression. He gave me a smug look and turned back to the group as if nothing ever happened.

A little while later Dan and I were sitting at a round table with PJ, Chris, Kat, and Felix chatting and reading through the small menus they gave us. Everything was going fine, until Dan reached over and put his hand on my inner thigh.

"Dan," I hissed quietly. He simply smirked at me and he gave my leg a small squeeze. This was not good. I did not want to get a boner in front of my friends, especially at such a nice party like this. But for some reason I didn't move his hand away. He started slowly rubbing my leg, and even though I didn't want to admit it, I loved every second of it. My face was red and a kept stuttering, but Dan seemed totally calm. He kept on going with the conversation and laughed along. I felt my pants getting tighter and I felt my face turn an even darker shade of red. I glanced over at Dan to see his pants looked a bit tight too. We made eye contact and I gave him a worried look. He blushed a bit but he still looked calm.

"Umm are you guys alright?" Kat asked glancing nervously between us.

"Yeah fine," Dan said. I cleared my throat.

"All good," I said. Chris, Felix, and Kat continued on with the conversation, but PJ looked at us and smirked.

"What?" I asked him.

"Oh nothing," he said.

"Peej what the hell?" I said. I started to get nervous... did he know what was happening? He can't there's no way. He simply shrugged and turned back to the group.

Dan stood up and grabbed my crutches. He handed them to me and said,"We're going to the bathroom. We'll be back in a minute," Dan said.

I took my crutches and quickly got up, eager to get away from the table. We heard a chorus of okays as we made our way as fast as possible toward the lobby. We stepped into the men's room and luckily, no one was in there. The second the door closed, Dan's lips came crashing into mine. He pushed me up against the wall, his hands on either side of my head. I kissed him back hungry for more. He licked my bottom lip and I immediately opened my mouth, pushing my tongue into his mouth. He moaned as I ran my fingers though his hair. We explored each others mouths for a couple minutes before he pulled away and left a trail of hot, open mouthed kisses down my neck.

"Dan..." I moaned. He kissed my jaw and took off my tie. I took off his and he slipped off his jacket. His mouth found its way back to mine as I slipped off my jacket. He tugged at the edge of my pants and unbuttoned them He started unzippering them when all of a sudden the door swung open. Dan immediately pulled back. Luckily, it was only PJ.

"Oh man I'm scarred. You guys should really lock the door next time jesus christ," he said. Dan and I were both beet red as we pulled our jackets back on.

"No no you guys carry on. I'll go find a different bathroom. Just please for the love of god lock the damn door," he said already leaving. Once the door was closed, Dan looked at me with a smirk. He slowly reached over and locked the door. I gulped and pulled off my jacket as he shrugged off his. I smashed my lips into his.

"Ready?" he whispered against my mouth.

"Ready," I said.


	14. Chapter 14

**WARNING: CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!**

 **Phil's POV (The next day)**

"Daaannn," I whined.

"What Phil?" he called from his bedroom.

"Come here! I wanna talk to you about something!"

"Phil I'm editing I can't!"

"You can do it later just come here!" A couple moments later, I heard his door open. He came into the living room with a small smirk on his face. I reached out my arms and he rolled his eyes. Either way, he came over to the couch and sat down next to me. I put my arms around his waist and snuggled into his chest.

"Is this all you wanted?" he sighed.

"No... I need to talk to you," I said quietly.

"Okay. I'm listening," he said. I could hear the worry in his voice.

"So I've been thinking..."

"About?"

"College," I said. I felt him tense up next to me, but he stayed silent.

"Well for now, I think I'd like to take online school with the university in California. That will be for at least a month or two, until my leg heals. I don't really know what I'm gonna do after that though." Dan pulled me into a tight hug. I was shocked at first, but I soon relaxed into his arms.

"Is-is that okay?" I said quietly. Dan nodded and continued to hold me.

After a few moments, Dan said,"How about we go on a date today?"

I pulled back. "Yeah!"

"Alright," he smiled. "Go get ready then."

"Where are we going?" I questioned.

"Movie?" he offered. I nodded my head eagerly and headed to my room to get ready. I threw on a pair of black jeans and one of Dan's red sweatshirts. I fixed my quiff as best I could, and made my way back to the living room. Dan got up off the couch and led me out the door.

Once we were downstairs, we stepped out into the cool air. We walked in a comfortable silence to the theater, just enjoying each other's company. As we were walking though, my mind wandered to dark places. I tried my very hardest to think about something else, but I couldn't seem to rip my mind from the terrifying thoughts. Even though I had everything I could ever ask for, I was just sad. Nothing felt right, and for whatever reason I just didn't want to live my life anymore. I was tired of everything and nothing at the same time. What if I did end it all? Would anyone really care? Dan snapped his fingers in front of my face.

"Hello? Anyone in there?" he said with an amused expression.

"Oh u-umm yeah. Sorry," I said blushing.

"What I said was... what movie do you wanna see?"

"Whatever you want," I said.

"Alright... but Phil? Are you okay today? You seem a bit off," he said glancing at me nervously.

 _No. I'm so done with everything. All I wanna do is be done with it all. Just leave everything behind. Leave this pathetic person behind, forget my pathetic excuse for a person, just forget. Forget._

"I'm fine... just tired." _If only he knew. You wimp. You can't even talk to your boyfriend._ My thoughts were interrupted when we reached the theater. Dan held the door open for me and I stepped inside, thankful for the blast of warm air that hit me. We made our way up to the counter, where Dan bought our tickets.

"No Dan let me pay!"

"Yeah I don't think so."

"No come on let me."

"It's not worth fighting Phil, cause you're not gonna win this one." With a sigh, I put my wallet back into my pocket. After thanking the cashier, we found our way to the correct theater and sat down in the back left corner.

"Why are we sitting back here?" I questioned Dan.

"So I can do this." He leaned in and gave me a long kiss. I grinned and rolled my eyes. He winked and slipped his arm over my shoulders. I leaned into his chest. I buried my face into him, engulfed with his warmth. Everything smelled like him... I couldn't explain it, but everything was just... _Dan_.

"Phil? Are you alright?" Dan said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. I didn't answer. Dan pulled back and put his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, but I really didn't want Dan to worry about me. He had much more important things to think about than me.

"Come on Phil. You can always tell me what's going on," he said softly.

I shook my head. "I'm fine... really."

"No your not Phil! Stop saying-" he stopped himself. He sighed and looked down.

"Sorry," he said quietly. I pressed a small kiss to his temple. I could tell he knew something was up, but he didn't push it. I leaned into his side, just as the movie started.

About ten minutes into the movie, I looked up at Dan. He held my gaze for a few moments before slowly leaning in and pressing our lips together. I grinned as he shoved his tongue into my mouth. Our tongues danced together, until Dan pulled away from my mouth and started kissing my neck.

"Dan! We're in public!" I whispered.

He pulled back. "Does it look like I care?" He crashed his lips back into mine. We made out for a couple minuted before finally turning back to the movie. About every 15 minutes this happened, so by the time the lights came back on, our lips were bright pink and swollen and our hair was messy. He let out a soft giggle and tried to fix my hair. I tried to fix his too, but it was no use. We gave up and walked as quickly as possible out of the theater. We made our way home and chatted along the way, The conversation flowed, even though my mind was other places.

Once we got back home, it was only about 8, but I was exhausted. Dan could tell because he said,"How about we sleep in your room tonight? We can watch TV or something until we fall asleep."

I nodded and we headed down the hall. We quickly got into comfier clothes and plopped onto the bed. Dan turned on the TV as we layed down. Dan cuddled into me, facing away. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into the back of his neck. We layed together, the TV softly playing in the background until we fell into a peaceful sleep.

...

 **Dan's POV (The next morning)**

I woke up in Phil's warm arms. He was softly breathing into the back of my neck, which sent a shiver down my spine. I had no intentions of moving. I just wanted to stay in Phil's arms all day. I little while later, I felt Phil start to stir behind me. I gently turned over, so our faces were inches apart. I could tell he was awake, but his eyes still weren't open. I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He gave me a soft smile as I started stroking the hair out of his face.

"Good morning," I said groggily. My voice was rough and scratchy from sleeping. Phil leaned in closer to me.

"How are you feeling today?" I whispered. Phil didn't answer, which worried me, but I let it go.

 **Phil's POV**

I pretended not to hear Dan, but trust me, I heard him loud and clear. I just hated lying to him. I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't. Maybe I was being selfish or maybe I was helping him. I was just so confused and I didn't have the power to answer him. Today is the worst day I've had in a long time. All of the usual horrible things I've felt were there today. But instead of quietly talking to me, they were screaming. Screaming at the top of their lungs, clouding my thoughts immediately over whelming me. I would've done anything to get rid of them. They were screaming my deepest darkest thoughts. It felt as if the voices were at the top of a building, screaming my thoughts through a megaphone for everyone to hear. I buried my face in Dan's shoulder, hoping to quiet the voices, but it just made them louder.

I stood up and shakily grabbed my crutches. "Where are you going Phil?" Dan whimpered. Guilt washed over me, but I gently pressed a kiss to his temple.

"I'm just going to the bathroom," I said quietly. He frowned, but he nodded his head anyway. I quietly left the room. Once I got to the bathroom, I let the tears leak over. I grabbed a razor from the cabinet and cut deep into my wrists. The voices were too much. I was weak. I couldn't handle them. I bit my lip to hold back a sob. I couldn't let Dan hear me. After a couple more cuts, I put the razor away and made my way back to the bedroom. I layed down next to Dan and he immediately cuddled into my chest. After a couple minutes he started snoring softly. I tried to sleep, but the voices drowned everything out. _I_ was drowning.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: Hey guys! This is gonna be the last chapter to this phanfiction. Make sure to check out my profile for more stories (more coming soon!) I just wanted to thank you all for reading and it would mean a lot to me if you could leave a review. I hope you enjoyed!**

 **WARNING: TRIGGERING THEMES SUCH AS DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED!**

 **Phil's POV**

 _I tried to sleep, but the voices drowned everything out. I was drowning._

A little while later, I was finally able to get Dan to get up. He took a shower and went into the living room. However, I stayed in my room. I threw on jeans and sweatshirt and sat down at my desk. Tears steadily streamed down my face as the voices screamed. They screamed louder and louder in my ears, taking over all thoughts. I shakily sighed. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was weak, pathetic. My hands shook even more as I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. I carefully wrote what I wanted to say and slipped the paper into a small envelope.

My whole body shook as a grabbed Lion and my note. I slipped it into Dan's laptop, knowing he'd see it soon. I made my way into the living room as calmly as I could and sat down next to Dan. He looked up from his phone and glanced down at my sneakers.

"Where are you going Phil?" he asked searching my eyes.

"I'm just going for a walk," I said. I tried to keep my voice as steady as possible.

"Oh umm... alright. Phil please be careful. Okay?"

I nodded and leaned in, giving him a long kiss. I savored the sweet taste of his soft warm lips before pulling back. I couldn't let anything stop me.

"Dan... I love you," I said standing up.

"I love you too," he said giving me a soft smile. I looked into his gorgeous brown eyes one last time, before making my way to the door. I stepped into the hallway and quickly made my way downstairs. I stepped out into the cold winter air and looked up at the apartment building. The tears started to flow over, but I took a deep breath and started down the street.

 **Dan's POV**

As the door slammed shut, I started to worry about Phil. Do you ever get that feeling in your gut that you know is trying to tell you something, but you just don't know what? I sighed. _You're being stupid. He's just going for a walk. There's nothing to worry about._ I stood up and walked to my bedroom. I grabbed my laptop and plopped down on my bed. As I lifted the cover, a small envelope sat on the keyboard. My heart plummeted as I shot up, tearing open the letter.

 _Dear Dan,_

 _I've written this letter a million times before, but I could never get the words quite right. Dan, you were the one bright light in my life. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. You encouraged me to be a better person everyday, and I will always be grateful for that. Please just know that this wasn't your fault. You were always there for me and I know you tried to help. The thing is, I'm just unfixable. All I do is hold you back. Please promise me that you won't let my death stop you. You should continue on with YouTube and the radio show, because you truly have something special. You meant the world to me, and you always will. I love you._

 _-Phil_

The second I read the first sentence, I sprinted out of the room, sobs racking through my body. I had to save him... I had to. I grabbed my sneakers and ran out the door, still clutching the letter in my hand. During the elevator ride, I slipped on my sneakers and read the rest of the letter. Each word, another piece of my heart fell. The second the doors opened, I sprinted outside and looked around frantically. I spotted Phil about a block down and sprinted. I pushed people aside and knocked people's bags out of the way. I didn't care. The one thing that mattered was getting to Phil.

I was about 20 feet away from him when he stepped to the edge of the curb and took a deep breath. I saw Lion in his hand. I pushed my legs as fast as they would go and ignored the burning feeling in my lungs. Right as Phil stepped into the street, I grabbed him and ripped him back to the curb.

 **Phil's POV**

I took a deep breath. _Calm down Phil. This is what you wanted. Everything will be fine. You can be happy and you can leave this person behind... forget._ Taking one last breath, I stepped out onto the street. But before I could do anything, I felt a pair of arms grab me from behind. I fell back to the side walk and looked over at who had pulled me away from my fate. I felt my heart tearing in two when I saw Dan standing over me, tears streaming down his face. I quickly got up and tried to get onto the street again, but Dan was prepared. He wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed. I tried to pull away from him, but he was holding on as if he'd never let go.

"Dan! Please!" I shouted, still trying to break free.

"No! I'm not letting you do it Phil!" he shouted.

"Dan!" He would be so much better off with out me. Why was he doing this? All I've done is mess up his life. Dan forced me away from the street. All movement around us has stopped. No cars were moving and no one dared to walk away. A horrible sob ripped through my body as I collapsed to my knees. Dan came down with me and wrapped me in his arms, but I pushed him away.

"Phil calm down." The tears were flowing freely from both of us as my breathing quickened. My body shook violently as my thoughts became foggy.

"Shhh Phil... it's alright." He took me in his arms and cradled me.

"D-Dan. I'm so- I didn't-"

"Phil its okay," he said quietly looking down at me. He pushed my hair out of my face and wiped my tears gently.

 _"Wise men say, only fools rush in,"_ Dan sang shakily. I finally looked up into his big brown eyes, full of sorrow. Guilt coursed through my body but his singing immediately started calming me down.

 _But I can't help falling in love with you_

 _Shall I stay?_

 _Would it be a sin_

 _If I can't help falling in love with you_

His voice cracked on the last word and he broke down. I reached up and wiped away a tear. He tried to sing the next line, but he just cried more. So I continued for him.

 _Like a river flows, surely to the sea_

Dan looked down at me in shock. He'd never heard me sing before.

 _Darling so it goes_

 _Some things are meant to be_

 _Take my hand, take my whole life too_

 _For I can't help falling in love with you_

 _For I can't help falling in love with you_

Dan finished the last two lines with me. He gently pressed a small kiss to my forehead and stood up, pulling me with him. He wrapped his arm around me and I leaned into him for support. Without a word, we started making our way home.


End file.
